I always say that I want to be honest here. That I want to be real with my readers. I shared earlier this week about my recent miscarriage.
I told you the basics. The bare minimum.
What I didn't tell you, is that I am a little bit angry with God. That is a lie. I am ticked off!
I didn't feel this way with my first miscarriage. I wasn't angry at all that time around. This is so new to me.
I was fine (anger wise) to begin with. Then I was talking to someone who recently found out she was pregnant. Someone who has NO BUSINESS having children. I know that sounds so mean and so judgmental but I don't say those words lightly. I would share the details and try to persuade you but that would be gossipy and that is not me. So just trust me.
Enough ranting. I was talking to this woman and all I could think was "Really God? REALLY?!?"
There are so many woman who don't want children. Who abort. Who neglect and abuse. And they have perfectly healthy pregnancies. Completely healthy babies. Why on earth does this keep happening to me? Why does my heart have to be shattered again?
I am angry.
I do not blame God. I just don't understand why.
I know there is a plan and a purpose for all things. I just don't get it. I may never get it.
In most things, I am okay with that. I know He is in control. But right here and right now, I am so angry. I want to know why. I want to know the purpose.
Lame!
I hate that I am here, telling the world that I am angry at God. I hate to be vulnerable. I hate to let people know that as a Christian, a woman who loves the Lord, I still get angry at Him. I think people need to know that though.
I will get past this. I know I will. I DO still have faith that God is with me. He is what I am clinging to, even in my anger and hurt. Do not get me wrong in that.
I am doing my best not to dwell on these feelings. I am reminding myself constantly that because of Him and my salvation through Him, I have these precious babies waiting for me. How can I be angry at someone who would offer me that? Someone who despite everything I have done, would prepare a place for me in paradise. Someone who would hold my babies and protect them while they are without me.
Then I am angry with myself... How could I feel this way?
I am so ready to for these feelings to be gone. I am ready to be okay. I know I will always hurt over my lose but I am just ready to be okay.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I found myself listening to a woman a few weeks ago that said that when she found out she was pregnant the 2nd time {just had the baby} she didn't want it. My heart hurt so bad bc I would do anything to have a baby. I got really angry at God. Some days are better than others. The book I shared with you is helping me so much. thinking and praying about you. xox
ReplyDeleteI have never experienced this and so I can't begin to understand what you're going through, but I can relate to the feelings of being angry at God and angry at yourself for being angry at God. Praying for you. :) I'm also glad I've gotten to spend some more time with/around you over the last month or so. You're one great lady!
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ReplyDeleteHere's the thing - it's okay for you to be angry with God, but it's also hard to hear you talk about the woman who doesn't deserve to have a baby - or to read Jenelle's comment about the woman who didn't want her second pregnancy. Because I was heartbroken when I found out about mine.
ReplyDeleteI love my son. He's been nothing but a blessing in my life, but I did not want to be pregnant with him. I was not ready for another child. I was scared to death that I would suffer the crippling postpartum of my first.
I, too, was angry at God...because how could he let that happen when my husband and I were maximizing our birth control options?
But he has a plan. He had a plan for me and my beautiful son.
He has a plan for the woman you don't think is worthy. He has a plan for her children. And he can handle your anger. He's big enough.
@UpsideDown Kate
ReplyDeleteI want to apologize here for offending you in case anyone with the same experience is reading. I can see how what I said can be interpreted that way. In no way do I think an unexpected pregnancy makes a mother unworthy. There are other circumstances to this woman that I do not feel comfortable sharing here that i will email you about personally.
God is bigger and He will use this all for good, I know. He always does :)
Just like you can be angry with your mother and your father, who love you so much, I think we are allowed to get angry. I think its a way to grieve. I know He understands. He has to, he built us with these emotions. I know your just sitting in His arms just pounding at Him, asking why. I can picture it. I know you hurt, I understand that! Friend Im here for you, if you need to scream, lets go, lets go scream! We can go out to the middle of no where and SCREAM! {{For Real..? cuz it kinda sounds fun..}}Im free tomorrow! Or tonight.. I love you friend, Im here, a shoulder to cry on!
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend I know exactly how you feel! I went through the same thing recently when I lost my baby :( I was angry that instead of giving good news of my pregnancy I had to give th news of my loss :(
ReplyDeleteI also learn about a person who didn't want to be pregnant and she was so blah about it! She even consider abortion, when here I am crying for another blessing in my life! I know you love God and I'm sure he understands your anger and confussion. He also lost a son you know? That's what came to my mind when I lost mine, if anyone understands your pain in Him! I love you
Been there. It's like that. I can honestly say now that I am thankful for my miscarriage. It has taught me so many things that I didn't realize I needed to know. But God did. In all His infinite wisdom, he knew what to bless we with and when. I have come to a greater appreciation of trusting in His timing and love for me and my family. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are totally ok Kristen, god just couldn't wait to meet your lil one so he took him/her a little early. I don't want to tell you all the cliche things but I want you to know I'll be praying for god to empyt you & cleanse those feelings and for him to fill you up again with his joy and love :)
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