Hatred of Halloween

Costumes and candies.

Trick or Treating and laughter.

Harvest fest. Games. Prizes. Bounce houses and petting zoos.

Halloween/Harvest is a day that brings such joy and fun. For me, it is a day that I am forced to put on a happy face for my kids.

It is the day that my heart physically hurts. Where I feel a sense of longing that can't be filled. At least not now.

I talk about it a lot here. Halloween is the day that my first child went to meet Jesus before I ever had a chance to meet them.

It is the day I learned what loss and pain really feels like.

Some years I feel like having such a significant day being the day of our miscarriage makes it harder. All the very vivid memories flood in. Forgetting the details are impossible. It makes it hurt so much worse.

Some years I love the distraction. Not sure how I feel today. My kids are so excited to dress up and I am truly excited to do that with them but the second they leave the room or it gets quite. I feel like I am going to collapse.

I wish I could explain the pain of miscarriage to those who haven't been there. So many are confused by our pain. Don't understand why we hurt so much all of these years later. Why I cry now that I actually have kids.

I wish people understood why I have to sit in front of a tv eating ice cream and ignoring the world. I wish people understood that I lost a child and not simply a pregnancy.

Right now I just wish this day was over...

Instead, I will put on a smile. Let my kids fill me with joy and remember how God has used this precious child. What a legacy that baby is leaving without ever walking on this earth.

It will still hurt but maybe the sting will be removed enough. Maybe.