Costumes and candies.
Trick or Treating and laughter.
Harvest fest. Games. Prizes. Bounce houses and petting zoos.
Halloween/Harvest is a day that brings such joy and fun. For me, it is a day that I am forced to put on a happy face for my kids.
It is the day that my heart physically hurts. Where I feel a sense of longing that can't be filled. At least not now.
I talk about it a lot here. Halloween is the day that my first child went to meet Jesus before I ever had a chance to meet them.
It is the day I learned what loss and pain really feels like.
Some years I feel like having such a significant day being the day of our miscarriage makes it harder. All the very vivid memories flood in. Forgetting the details are impossible. It makes it hurt so much worse.
Some years I love the distraction. Not sure how I feel today. My kids are so excited to dress up and I am truly excited to do that with them but the second they leave the room or it gets quite. I feel like I am going to collapse.
I wish I could explain the pain of miscarriage to those who haven't been there. So many are confused by our pain. Don't understand why we hurt so much all of these years later. Why I cry now that I actually have kids.
I wish people understood why I have to sit in front of a tv eating ice cream and ignoring the world. I wish people understood that I lost a child and not simply a pregnancy.
Right now I just wish this day was over...
Instead, I will put on a smile. Let my kids fill me with joy and remember how God has used this precious child. What a legacy that baby is leaving without ever walking on this earth.
It will still hurt but maybe the sting will be removed enough. Maybe.
Praying for you today. Eat all the ice cream you want, I get it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Elyse.
DeleteIt's so tough and so hard and I am so sorry. My prayers are with you too! Sending love
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah. Appreciate every prayer :)
DeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you. You are right - it is hard to explain to someone who hasn't had a miscarriage before. However, although I have not gone through this, my heart definitely goes out to those who have.
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you so much.
DeleteI remember that day. I remember the days leading up to it. My heart ached so much for you then, and aches so much for you now! I support you in prayer, I support you in eating all the icecream and chocolate you want!! I love you so much friend, and Im sorry you are in pain! I love your heart!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your love and support always friend :)
DeleteYou write a lot about trusting God and letting Him lead your life yet you wallow in grief and pain. I get it, I'm not insensitive to losing a baby. But you never speak of giving the pain to God to heal. It doesn't HAVE to hurt forever. I've experienced some unspeakable things and God has healed me. Yes, it still aches sometimes, but I don't dwell on it and I know that God has taken that pain from me.
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous:
DeleteI know Kristen on a personal level and she does trust in God! She loves The Lord and rests in his goodness. That is how she has the strength to be a wonderful mother and wife daily.
It does not mean she can't feel and express her pain on her personal blog. We all don't have a day that brings back painful memories? I still mourn the loss of my grandmother who was not saved on the anniversary of her death. That does not mean I haven't given it to God.
I think your comment came off as judgemental and hurtful especially on such a vulnerable and heart-felt post...
Oh anonymous. Kristen is such an amazon woman of God, who has and will continue to turn to God in everything she does. Who trusts in him. She ah suffered through not one but two miscarriages. She has suffered through the loss of two children she wanted to hold in her arms to love on to watch them grow. She doesn't get to do that. She knows that they are running the streets of gold, she know they are with Jesus right now, she knows one day she will getti see them again. But right now in the midst of her pain, this time of remembering, she wants to eat chocolate and have her moment! I think that's allowed!!!
DeleteYes, I do say to give everything to God and if you have read previous posts about my miscarriages, you would hear me say that I do just that. That I find my refuge in Christ. That being said, I still have real human emotions. I still have reminders or days that make me sad. I do not dwell in those moments. I remember. I hurt. And then I continue on in my life, not miserable just changed. God uses everything in our lives to change and shape and mold us. I am not the same person after going through this. I don't think He wanted me to be. He has used these loses to bring me to foster care, one of the greatest joys in my life. But on the anniversary of our loses, I still hurt. Sorry if that bothers you.
DeleteIt's so tough and so hard and I am so sorry. My prayers are with you too! Sending love
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