Coffee Talk: Guilty

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If we were to sit and chat over coffee today, I would start by telling you how excited we are for this weekend. Easter is such a fun time for us. I'd probably  invite you to join in on the fun at our church. If you have kids, I'd make sure you knew how much I'd love for them to come to our Easter Egg hunt.

Last years hunt

After we chatted about our Easter plans, I would tell you about the classes and training we have had for foster care so far. I might tell you about some of the sad stats and laws we have learned of. We would both be in tears.

If I was to be really honest and real with with you, I would tell you how the more prepared we are and the closer we get, the more guilt I have about my relationship changing with my own kids. How scared I am for how much their world is about to change.

I would tell you how the age difference between Talon and the new baby will be about the same but how the amount of attention a foster baby will require is going to be so much different. So much greater.

This is where I would need your shoulder to cry on. This is where I would likely fall apart. I would tell you how I know this is Gods plan and I know He will work it out but that my heart is still aching for my babies. How all I can think about is the idea of my comforting and loving on a new baby and my poor children wanting their mommy back.

I would probably finish the talk on the topic by laughing at myself and the idea that I think I know what's going to happen when clearly God has this all worked out. How I know He wouldn't have called me to it of He didn't know my kids and I could do it.

Then, I would sit and listen to what's going on with you. So tell me, what's happening on your end?

Faking a Smile

On October 18th, I had my second miscarriage.

I didn't really tell anyone.

I have put on a fake smile and let everyone think that everything is okay, that nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

I was prepping for The Threadery. I was getting ready to see lots of people there. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want the hugs. And let's be honest, I didn't want to hear the things people say to comfort you but hurt you even more.

I kept myself distracted. I kept myself busy. I WAS okay, in a sense.

And then The Threadery was over. And I had time to hurt. And I hurt. I am broken.

My emotions are EVERYwhere. I am sad. I am confused. If I want to be really real; I feel guilty that I can't help thinking about my first miscarriage. The one that happened 5 years ago today. I feel guilty that as devastated and sad as I am now, it fails in comparison to the one I had then. Maybe because I was further along? Maybe because I was more bonded with the baby I had known for longer? I don't know.

Now I sit here aching. I am mourning the 5 year of the first baby that I lost and now I am mourning baby number 2. I am broken.

I wasn't going to share this at all. I didn't want to tell anyone really. A friend told me I should. Not because I am obligated to but because I need your prayers.

You have all been there for me. You prayed with me throughout my pregnancy with Talon and we saw miracles. You showed me more love and compassion after I shared about my first miscarriage than I could have even imagined.

I need you all again. I need to get through this time. I know I will. I have before. But I need to be okay for my kids. I need to not lock myself in my home for months at a time like I did before. I just need prayer.

God has been so faithful and I find comfort in Him. I find comfort in knowing that my babies are with Him.

I will be okay because I find refuge in God but can you all just pray for me and my family?

Just a minute...

I am currently reading and studying the book "Ministry of Motherhood" with some of my mommy friends. Last night we had our monthly meeting to discuss the topic of our children modeling our behavior was brought up. Many of the women mentioned things that their children say that they know they picked up from them. Not bad words or anything, just things that are said out of habit. Or maybe, they are bad words in a sense? I can bring up this topic discussed because I have fallen into this habit and have heard the bad words come from my little's mouth. "Just a minute".

"Just a minute" is not a horrible thing to say, it's not a mean thing to say at all. The problem is that we say it so much that our young children have picked up on it. Saying it on occasion, no big deal. We get busy and sometimes it is good for our children, or us, to wait. Saying it enough for a two year old to repeat? Not so harmless.

Let's compare our relationship with our children to our relationship with our Heavenly Father for just a second. I mean, that is who we are to model ourselves after.

What would happen if everyday, you went to the Father and His response was "Just a minute"? Now, I am not talking about waiting for an answer to prayer, He is still listening when He makes us wait. I am talking about the initial "Dear God..." and He responds "Just a minute, I'm on the phone or working or doing the dishes" or whatever it may be. How loved do you feel?

Ouch! Did I just say that? Did I really just think I would feel unloved if my Father told me the simple words "Just a minute"? I did. I would feel so hurt and unloved. Is that how I am making my little ones feel? Possibly. Gut-wrenching, right?

My children are the center of my whole world. Am I making them feel that way? Or am I making them think that sewing up this last thing is worth more to me? Do they even know the difference? I don't know. Do I want to risk it? NO WAY.

"Just a minute" is now a cuss word in my home. I'm not trying to tell you all that if you have told your child to hold on a second, you are surely a horrible mother. That is not my intent at all. I think we all just need to step back for a moment and think of what we make our children feel when we are often putting them off for even just a minute.

One of the women put it best last night when she said she was full of "mommy guilt". Now, it was not that she was doing anything wrong. Or that any of us were. Just simply that we want everything to be perfect for our little ones. Will we ever be perfect? No. Should we strive for it? Yes, let's model Christ. Join me will you?

Let's all boycott "Just a minute"!