Adoption Celebration

Can I just say it one more time? Adoption rocks and we know first hand because we finally got to finalize on our sweet guy. I don't know how many times I can say that before it gets old. I don't think it ever will. We were so excited to celebrate our Little Man.

Through the couple years leading up to it, we had so much support. Beyond our greatest expectation, friends and family stepped up to support us from day one. We were blessed with clothing and formula and basic essentials when he came to us. You never know how to prepare for a foster child until they arrive. There is no way to know what to expect, so once we had him, people rose up and brought supplies.

Since his birth parents were out of the picture in the beginning, when they finally came forward, we were shook pretty hard. Reunification is always the goal in foster care but when it appears to be an adoption, your world is rocked when it looks like it may not be. People came to us and prayed over us...for whatever may happen, that Nixon would be protected.

When things kept stalling, when the process took too long, our support system lifted us up. Assured us that he was ours and that these were just technicalities. They pushed us through when we felt like we were stuck.

Then came the autism diagnosis. We went from a simple, time consuming adoption (with a child who was just a little challenging) to being in the middle of a special needs adoption. Once again, we were met where we were at. We were given advice and resources and safe places to play and be real without worry or judgement.

We did NOT go through this journey alone. We went through it with friends. With many of you. So it felt silly to celebrate alone. We knew it had to be done with the people who went through it with us.

Once again, our people showed up...and kept showing up. The amount of people who came to celebrate our family being official was insane. Even the ones who couldn't make it flooded our phones with calls and texts. The same people who cried during our heartaches, shared our tears of joy.

I cannot begin to put into words how blessed we are by it all. You guys, the ones who keep showing up. The ones who keep pouring into our life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

A Baby Story - Adoption

Every time we have a child I come and share about our birth story. The little details leading up to the moment we first held that little baby in our arms. With Nixon, it wasn't anything like the others.
I was going to come on here today and share what we recently found out about our little man's birth. Like the fact that he was born at 6lb 6oz, the smallest of our babies by quite a bit. Instead, I decided to share the months leading up to his arrival. A "What to Expect While Expecting...a Foster baby" kind of post.

It all started with a call on our lives...
We always wanted to adopt but never though foster care was the route. Not until God put it on our hearts. I mean foster care is messy and scary but God is bigger and His plan is always bigger than ours. So we followed.

The prep was not nearly as long as we had thought it would be. When we decided to dive in we instantly started looking into agencies. We knew from the beginning we wanted to go with an agency vs the county but weren't sure which one. There are so many great agencies in the Orange County/Los Angeles area, if you are local feel free to email me. We will get you resources. I felt totally overwhelmed by the decision and went to FB for input. Within an hour we had talked to people and decided on Serenity Infant Care Homes. This was such a great decision for us. If you are in the area, I would highly recommend them.

The process started with an in home interview. They got to know who we are and what our hearts were.
We took classes at the agencies for 3 weekends, I believe it was. We heard the horrors stories and the victories. We were equipped with tools to face some of the hardest challenges I could imagine as a parent.
From there, came the packets and paper work (which some people did ahead of time but classes were starting right away when we called, so we did that first), Oh the paperwork. We answered questions about our past, present and hopes for our future.

Little Details were taken care of. We had DMV records mailed, a vehicle inspection and were LiveScanned. I think it all cost us around $300. If that. The fees are so minimal with Foster care.

We had a home study where we shared details that only my closest friends know. After answering things about our childhoods, sex lives and everything in between, we were approved as fit to raise foster children kinds of parents.

Then the wait. We heard how many kids entered the system daily. So when the first 24 hours passed, I questioned whether or not they really thought we were fit or if they just said that so I'd leave them alone. Haha.

On day 6, August 22nd 2012, around 10:45am, I got the call. I remember it like it was yesterday. A four month old baby boy. A few details about his case and his parents. We said yes. Well I said yes, Steven agreed after I hung up. Since we are with an agency, they had to call the county to let them know and make sure he wasn't already heading to a different home. 2 hours later, a second call. He'd be in our homes in a few hours.

That evening, a knock on the door. The transporter placed him in my arms and told me "he has a couple bags" and walked to her car. There he was. The most beautiful little guy. We soaked him in, the woman came back, handed us two raggedy bags and had us check him from head to toe. We marked anything wrong. Signed a few papers and she left.

His birth or gotcha day story had 298 days left to be complete. A million hurdles along the way. However, that was the day he entered our lives...for what we didn't realize would be forever.

Adoption Day

 Wow! What a high this has been. As many of you saw, on Friday we adopted our son Nixon. You all have known him as Little Man. I didn't know what to expect when we adopted him. I was told by other adoptive moms that it would be the best day ever. Yet, no one could really describe it.

I know why now. I am feeling what they all felt. The easiest way to explain it is that nothing changed but everything changed.

Over the last 2.5 years, we have loved and cared for Nixon just like any of our other kids. Sure, he had another set of parents that would visit and social workers would come check in on him but it was just a part of life. Then in March of 2013, the birth parents stopped visiting and we assumed that we would be adopting. As time went on we knew he would eventually be legally ours but for the time being it was just unofficial.



For the following months/years, he was just our son. He had two different names he went by and the social workers still came but other than that nothing was different than with our bio kids. So as we entered the courtroom, there wasn't much to really change.

The Fan Club...minus my siblings who were up taking photos

The signature of that judge though, it changed our life forever. This is such a surreal feeling. We have waited so long for this day. We have prayed over this child since before his life even began. He is ours. Forever.

Blooper Reel...when food is being discussed, we get serious.

Foster Care and Adoption can be scary but man can it be awesome. On our drive home, my husband shared some of his thoughts on the actual hearing. The comparison of our relationship to Christ. If I wasn't already a choked up mess. Goodness. I am not going to share any of it but instead have told him that he will be guest posting here on it. In the mean time, here are some photos of our big day.



Also, later this week I will be back with a photo dump of his adoption party. I may be in adoption mode for a while.

Introducing...

Soooo, we have been keeping a secret for a few weeks now. Today, we adopted "Little Man"! This has been quite a journey. We have been through a roller coaster of emotion. There were short periods of time when we thought he would be returned to his birth parents. Days when we didn't know what his future would look like. 

In October, we signed our adoption papers. The end to a wild ride. Again, the emotions were all over the place. My heart broke for his birth parents. I was so overjoyed for our family though. This little man has been such a blessing to us. He (and this journey) have grown me in ways that I didn't realize I needed. 

Today, I am so beyond excited to introduce you to the little boy who has been hiding behind masks in all of our photos. This is Nixon! He is pretty much one of the cutest kids you have ever seen, right?

And since I know that you are just dying to see him grow up over the 899 days that we have had him, we have this handy dandy slide show. Feel free to fast forward at anytime. I know it is long but it was hard to fit all that time in one little video.

If you need me, I will be gushing over our finally official son....and flooding instagram. Make sure you follow me there @vesselhandmade

On My Mind : Birth Parents

When we talk about being foster parents, one of the first questions or comments most people make are in regards to birth parents. Comments on how much we must hate them. Questions about how we deal with visitations and having to face them.

Before meeting Little Man's birth parents, I feared this so much. I doubted whether or not I could face these people who put my baby in danger. I wasn't sure I could reach out to them the way God calls us to.

I prayed often that God would give me a heart for them before I ever met them. Really before we even got Little Man. God totally met me in that place. The emotions I thought I would feel towards them never arose. The ones that did were not the ones that I would have thought.

First, hurt. The first day I met them, my heart hurt for them. Seeing the uncertainty, the fear and brokenness over having their child removed shook me in a way I never imagined. Their love for their son was written all over them.

My heart ached for them then and it aches for them now. Today I sat back and watched as Little Man danced and jumped around the living room. His joy fills these walls. They are missing that. They have missed every milestone. They never see him smile, hear him laugh or get to snuggle him before bed. How much pain that must bring them.

Second, love. I prayed that God would soften my heart. He went so far beyond that. He has opened my eyes to the life these people have come from. Given me compassion. Helped me to feel a bond and a love I never thought possible.

Lastly, an emotion I can't describe. I don't know what it is. Someone else loves my son. Not like my friends or family love my children. These people love my son like my husband and I do. I know that they are his birth parents. Of course they love him..,I don't know how to explain it but it is a weird feeling knowing that someone loves your child like you do. It's painful. It's scary. It's amazing. It's not something that I can put into words.

Foster parenting brings a lot of emotions. Birth parents are just one aspect. They have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. Maybe because we are moving forward. I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it is a reminder to pray for them often. To pray that God opens their hearts and eyes to Him. That through this, somehow they would find Him. That they would lean on Him when they hurt. To be praying for the words that I will need when Little Man one day asks. To give him a perfect glimpse of their love for him but also the brokenness. To let him see that he is where he should be but also that he is loved by two sets of parents. That even though they hurt him, even though he was taken from them, even though he may never remember them but instead the hurt that they caused, that they are part of his story. 

The Day I Became a Special Needs Mom

Today, I became a special needs mom. There's something about a diagnosis that somehow changes everything. Between the hours of two and four o'clock today, nothing about Little Man changed, yet our world did.

His behaviors and functioning were the same yesterday as they were today...but today he is autistic. The A word. It rocks you. It shakes you in a way you would never imagine.

Looking at my boy before his evaluation, I already knew everything they were going to say. Sensory issues galore. Little to no eye contact. Severe speech delays. And the tantrums. I knew the words were coming before an evaluation was even referred. Yet today when the words left the doctors mouth, I froze.

All of the questions I had planned to ask when they gave me the diagnosis were lost. I just sat there. I nodded and agreed to all the things they listed about my boy. About my autistic son.

In a way, hearing it spoken out loud, helped me. For months, we have been in a place of what ifs and how do we's . This gives us so much clarity. You guys, I am going to be able to learn how to parent my kid. To be able to get him the therapies he needs to function. All I can think about is how, maybe just maybe, someday soon other kids will actually want to play with him.

Seeing your child struggle through the days is heart wrenching. Knowing that there is a reason for it brings a little relief. In no way are we wanting to label him or put him in a box. We know how big our God is. We know He will use this.

I feel like such a scattered mess. Half of me is heart broken. My sweet boy, he will live every day in a way that I cannot even imagine. I can try to grasp it and do my best to understand but I never really will. His life will be a little harder because of this. Our lives will be too. I feel so selfish saying that but it will be. From speech therapy to OT and ABA therapy, there will be hours spent.

On the other side, this boy radiates joy. He is the sweetest little love bug. He is worth every struggle and every minute spent.

I know that this diagnosis does not limit what he can do or who he can be. It means work but not boudries. It means struggles but not limitations. Being special needs does not put him on a specific path, we just need to figure out what route to take.

We are ready to put in the work to see little man blossom. I would be lying to say I wasn't a little relieved. His autism means I wasn't failing as his mom. Although before today I didn't know I was an autism mom, I was in the trenches, with no guidelines, no idea how to parent this child. It is not an easy place to be. To doubt everything you do because you aren't sure if you are disciplining your child for something that they truly can't control. Forcing them to do things that scare or overwhelm them. Now I know and now I can learn what he needs and how he needs it.

{image source}

....Before I ever gathered the courage to publish this post, are worlds got shook up more than ever before. The phone rang. A call I wasn't prepared to answer. "Mrs. Murphy, we have received the lab work back. Although most things came back negative. We do have one abnormality..." This is the moment that the room starts spinning and the words sound like a muffled slow motion mess. "There is a chromosome loss. His loss is indicating Cri-Du-Chat. A rare genetic disorder found in 1 in 50,000 children"

How can this even be possible? How can one child be dealt so many bad hands? One moment we were fine. The next we are finding out just how much of a challenge his life could actually be. We are trusting in God to give us guidance and answers and miracles. We are ready for this rain to stop and the blessings to shine.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is a life, that although hard, will be full of blessings. We have already seen so many little things that show us how God's hand has been in Little Man's life from day one, even as he was in his birth mother's womb. Many things we cannot share because of him being a foster placement. 

One thing I cannot get past is the location of his chromosome loss. Had it been anywhere else in the area where Cri-Du-Chat is located, he would have had a cat like cry. They would have known of this disorder from birth. They did not. This disorder puts him in a special needs category that we said we could not handle. We would have never received a placement call for him when he was detained. He was meant to be our child, regardless of whether we thought we could handle it or not. We had a plan but our God is bigger and His plans are far more beautiful.  I did not sign up for special needs adoption. In fact, I set limitations on it. But today, I am a special needs mom and it doesn't look anything like what I imagined.

Camarones a la Ajillo

When we first got the call that there was a baby who needed a home, ethnicity meant nothing to us. When Little man was placed with us, the color of his skin was irrelevant...although the perfection of the tone made me a little envious.

It wasn't until a few months later, while talking to a mama with an older child that I realized that to him, it may be a struggle later.

What I am referring to is the confusion as to who he is. Where he came from. And do not tell me that he lives here, so he is American period. Do. Not. Go There. Little man is half Dominican. One of his birth parents was born and raised. His culture is important. It is a part of who he is.

How can I as a white mom ever show him that part of himself? I can try. I mean I will never be able to roll my R's and speak Spanish to him. Even when I try, I sound ridiculous. I can however, read him books. I can cook him food. I can figure out how on earth to style that wild hair, that turns to the most beautiful ringlet when you use the right product.

There are many things I am not looking forward to when it comes to explaining things about his ethnicity. Let me tell you one thing though, showing him his culture has been a blast! Dominicans know how to eat.

You didn't know this post was going there, did you? I mean unless you read the title. This is one of my favorite recipes that we have tried so far. I mean, of the ones I can actually eat while dieting. Queso Frito is the best food ever. You know why? Because it's Fried Cheese. I mean do you need more of an explanation?

 So indulge in Little Man's Culture with me, will you?  

Camarones a la Ajillo (Garlic Shrimp)
1 Tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1/4 cup butter
1 Green Bell Pepper, sliced
1 Large Onion, sliced
10 Cloves of Garlic, minced <---- yes, you read that right.
1lb. Large shrimp, peeled and deveined
1/2 Cup tomato sauce
1 Tbsp Dried Parsley
1/2 tsp Red Pepper Flakes
Salt and Pepper to taste

Instructions
Heat both Olive Oil and Butter over Medium heat. Add the onion and bell pepper and cook for about 5 minutes, or until your onions are soft and translucent.

Add garlic and cook until it becomes fragrant. Usually about 1 min. Next, add in the shrimp and cook for minutes on each side. The shrimp will turn opaque.

Stir in your tomato sauce, parsley and red pepper flakes. Cook until the sauce is warm.



Sprinkle with salt and pepper and serve over rice (I use brown rice), with black beans...always black beans.

It's Time

Another story has hit the news. A young life taken by the hands of her mother. The cases and stories are becoming all to familiar.

But do you realize that for every story that is reported, there are many more that are not? In fact, according to a general government statistic, more than four children die of abuse EVERY DAY. There are dead babies and children we never hear about. Sorry to put it so bluntly but the numbers are not okay. Even one, it's not okay.

Every 10 seconds there is a report of child abuse made. Think about that for a minute? Did you take the whole minute? There were 6 reports made in that time.

Is your stomach turning yet?

There are 3,000 kids in the foster care system in Orange County. 18,000 in Los Angeles. 55,000 in California.

Whether it be physical abuse or sexual, neglect or abandonment, that's 55,000 children who were removed from their home due to abuse.

On any given day there are about 400,000 kids in out of home care in the US.

What are we doing about it?

I recently spoke to a man who is a part of LA's DCFS, he said it best by saying "this is not a government issue, it's a church issue". And he's right, we are ALL called to care for the widow and orphan. I am not claiming that we are all called to foster or adopt, trust me, I know that is not the case.

What can we do?

1. Be a respite home. Get licensed and be a home a child could be placed while they are looking for a more long term family. It is emergency foster care. You may have a child for 24 hours to 30 days.

2. Volunteer at a children's home. Many children's homes are entirely understaffed with little help from the community. Go to your local group home, if your community has one, and see what you can do. It may be something as simple as reading or playing games with the kids.

3. Hire an older Foster child. It is so common for kids who come into the system at an older age to "aged out of the system". They are on their own and aren't prepared to survive alone. Make a conscious effort to hire teen foster kids and get them on the right path for survival alone. Keep in mind that it is estimated that 20-40% of toady's homeless people were once foster children.

4. Donate. Whether this means donating items to a foster mom or group home or donating to agencies. Use the resources you have to give to the kids who do not.

5. Become a CASA worker.
CASA workers a great asset for advocating for foster kids. For many abused children, a CASA volunteer is the only constant adult presence in their lives.

6. Ask. If you don't know what you can do, call a state worker or foster agency and find out what they could use your help in doing. There is a great need for homes, support and loving people just like you.

Oh, and if you suspect child abuse in any shape or form. PLEASE, report it. 

It's time to make a difference. Can you help?

**Statistics on this post were obtained from Childrensrights.org and kidsdata.org**

Nightmares

It's every adoptive moms worse nightmare. I may be generalizing slightly but I'm certain that it is at the top of the list for most. The nightmare? Someone, likely a relative, from your child's past comes back to take them away. For a foster mama, it is slightly different. At the stage we are at, we do not want our baby going back to his bio family but if it happened, it happens. We do still have the nightmare of him being snatched and taken away though.

Following the Call

If you were to look at our daily life before little man and compare it to today, you may think you were looking at two different families. Before he was placed in our home we had weekly play dates, trips to the park and were rarely home. For a few months we were able to keep that up. Things slowly changed.

Most of our days are spent at home. Going out is stressful. It's hard and it wears me down. I feel like people look and judge us so much when we are out. I've always had the easy kids. The go with the flow kids. Now I have "that kid". And having "that kid" means the other ones act out more too. They want the attention he gets. I'm not complaining (too much). It's not his fault. Every action made by him has a direct link to his life before us. I could write a whole post on why people shouldn't jump to conclusions when "that kid" enters the store but that's for another time.

The first year

Today marks one year since Little Man has entered our life. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

It all started with a phone call.

"Mrs. Murphy, are you ready?"
Uhhhh. yes!!!!!
"We have a 4month old baby boy, here is what we know...."
WE WANT HIM!
"Do you need to ask your husband?"
No. We want him. I don't need to ask. (Don't judge me people, it was my baby I felt it. Hubby understood haha)
"Ok, I will call the social worker and let them know there is a family if he still needs one."

Then we waited and waited. For two hours. Then the call. He would be here is a few hours. So we shopped.

He arrived. Not at all how you expect a child to come. A knock on the door. A child placed in my arms while a woman ran to her car, grabbed a small bag and a stroller. She had us look him over, sign a few papers and left. We didn't even know how to pronounce his name (we weren't even positive until our first visit 3 months later). This precious boy was basically dropped on our doorstep, it was so surreal.

You know that feeling when your baby is first placed on your chest? That overwhelming feeling of love? That is how we felt when handed Little Man. I loved him just like my others. Insane love and attachment instantly. It scared me. He is still someone else's child. He can still leave. But oh the love he will receive while he is here...and forever.

This year has been a beautiful mess.

We have had tears and laughter, sometimes both at the same time.
We've had weekly visits and then none at all. And then the same thing all over again.

There have been court dates and postponements. Oh the postponements.
There have been scary decisions made by a judge whose name we didn't even know. With a lawyer we didn't even know had changed. We have dealt with a broken system.

We have seen his first teeth come in. Watched him learn to roll, crawl, walk run and jump.
We have heard his first words. He calls me mama.

A few family vacations. Lots of fun days. Disneyland. Beaches. Zoos. Adventures.

His first birthday has come and gone. We have celebrated his milestones. His months, year and HIM.

We've watched him fail to attach. We have felt the heartbreak of loving a baby who was too scared of us leaving to really truly love us back. We celebrated a bit, the first time that he cried when we left. He loves us. We've watched him fall asleep numerous nights, knowing he was scared we would leave. We still have these nights. He is attached and sometimes scared.

We've been amazed at how early he learned so much. When he was placed in our home, he could roll to one side. Within weeks he was rolling and crawling. He started taking steps at 10.5 months. He started fully walking on his birthday. We are fairly certain he was walking behind our backs before then. He is a silly little joker.

He has always had the sweetest smile. It seems to get bigger and brighter by the day or maybe even minute. His full belly laugh will melt you but only if you can see his face, because he laughs so hard and intensely he often sounds like he is scream-crying, as we call it.

This boy radiates joy even through his struggles.

This year has been crazy. This year has been joyous. This year has been hard. This year has been fun. This year has been emotional. This year has been amazing.

Little man has grown. He has attached. He loves. He struggles. He clings. He fights. He brings laughter and smiles everywhere he goes. He is amazing.

We have grown. We have attached. We love. We struggle. We cling to. We fight. We laugh and smile. We are amazed at what God has done.

Recertification

During our social worker visit this week, I was reminded that our recertification is due. That basically means we have hours of training that are due as well as some updated info and forms to submit. It means we need a new home eval. ::enter panic attack here::

After the initial panic of having to reprep the house for someone to come look through, I realized that a recertification being due means that we have been certified for a year now. We have been licensed for a year! It seems so recent that our little man was placed with us.

It got me thinking back to the 6 days we waited for a phone call. It is so odd to wait for someone to call you and tell you that you have a child. So scary to know what may come your way. What trauma your future child may have endured.

I remember the thoughts that ran through my head when we were officially certified. Were we ready for this? Were we really prepared for what God called us to?

Looking back on my fears, my excitement and all other emotions that ran wild I thought about the question "Is this what we expected it to be?"

My answer is not a clear cut yes or no. In so many ways I look at what we were taught and think that we were prepared for the worse and came out with the best case scenario. In other areas, I see that I could never have prepared myself for where we are.

There are days I forget I am a foster mom. There are others when the blatant reminders crush me. There are times that I think we are ready to quit (without returning little man of course lol) and there are days that I just know we will do this forever.

But is it what I expected when we signed the first form? I don't know. I don't know what we really expected to begin with. We came into this with faith and a calling. That's basically where we still stand. Answering God's call and waiting for Him to point us where He wants us to go.

Will we continue fostering after Little Man? Only God knows. We were called to adopt a child through foster care. We are hoping that child is Little Man. If it is not, we will move forward. If it is, I don't know where we will go. We may foster more. We may just advocate for foster children. It is scary being so unsure. It's scary not knowing where our family will go from here. There is comfort in Christ though. Comfort in knowing that God has it all figured out.

For now, we pray. We take is one recertification at a time. We strive to be a voice for the child who does not have one. And we run to get our house together in time for our social worker. Ahhhhh!!!!!

Come back tomorrow for a recap of our first year.

Huggies Slip-Ons {Our New Way of Diapering}

This post is part of a social shopper marketing insight campaign with Pollinate Media Group® and Huggies, but all my opinions are my own. #HuggiesSlipOn #pmedia http://cmp.ly/3/8vNxcO

In the past few weeks diaper changes have become so rough. Little man HATES to lay still. So when a friend told me about the Slip-Ons she was having her son wear, I was thrilled. A diaper change while still standing, Little Man and I had reached an agreement.

All I was looking for was an easier way to change the boys diaper but the perks just kept on coming. Little man has more energy than he knows what to do with. From the time he wakes up until he falls asleep, he is running, jumping and wiggling his little self around. Since using Huggies Slip-Ons Diapers, our little mover is less likely to leak.

They fit perfectly around his bottom. Although baby booty cheeks hanging out the side of a diaper can be super cute, it is not exactly good for preventing leaks. The awesome fit and stretch sides have made a huge difference in the amount of wet pants we take the boy out of.

In a lot of ways Huggies Slip-Ons remind me of a Pull-Up; easier changes and more flexible for a little mover. The difference is, a pull-up lets your kids know when they are wet and are not super absorbent. The absorbency on the Slip-Ons is amazing. Little man is able to sleep through the night without being changed. With a brand new baby in the house, this is a huge deal. I'm already lacking sleep. Not having to wake a sleeping baby to change his booty is enough to bring tears of joy to a mama's eyes.

When we first purchased our Slip-Ons,  I must admit I was worried about diaper changes while out and about. After opening the package, I was so excited to see that there are tabs, making it easy to remove and put on a new diaper. Granted it's not as easy as just slipping them on our runner but no more challenging than your usual diaper. Do you see what I mean about how "the perks kept on coming"? These Slip-Ons have been such an improvement in diapers for our Little Man.

And just wait, I have some perks for you as well.

First of all, a coupon, so you can try out these diapers on your little ones. The diapers are already a great price, they were $9.49 for the smaller pack and the bigger box (64 pack) was only $24.99. Click here for a $2 off coupon at Target and you are getting quite the deal!

Don't leave yet, I have another perk for you. It's a good one. How about a free $25 to Target? You can use it to buy a pack of Slip-Ons or anything else on your Target wish list! I know I am not the only one with a mile long list dedicated to Target, so go ahead and enter.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Foster Care Questions Answered

A few weeks ago we told all of our Facebook, Twitter and Instagram friends and fans to send us their questions about Foster Care. We are an open book and want to raise awareness and keep you all as informed as we can. With each question that we can bring clarity, one more person may become one step closer to advocating, supporting or foster parenting.

Here are the questions we received:

Do I have to own my home to be a foster parent?
I have been asked this numerous times. A lot of people have been told that they need to own their home. This is not true. You need to be able to provide a stable and adequate home for a child. You can rent or own. As long as you have enough room, your living situation is stable and pass the home study, you are ready to go.

I'm a single working mom. So I can't foster, right?
Wrong. Eight of you actually asked this question. Eight! Not sure if this used to be a law or not but it is a very common one. Since it is somewhat of two questions, let's break it down.
Single:
You can be married or single to foster. From what I have heard is that some states will not certify homes that have unmarried people living together, with exceptions to relatives. This may be where the misunderstanding comes from.
Working:
Working outside of the home does not disqualify you either. You will need to find a qualified day care or school for your foster children while you are at work. That's it. Same as you would for a biological child. In some states and counties the daycare can be subsidized, in others, it will be your responsibility (that's where the monthly stipend comes in handy)

My husband is on active duty in the military, will that hinder us?
This one, I had to do my research a bit. After asking around it seems like it really just depends on where you are located. Even within the same state, different counties have different rules and standards. If you are a military family interested in fostering, I would say the first step would really just be to call a local agency and find out the counties rules.

I don't think I could handle dealing with the parents. How do you do it?
Okay, let's get real and personal. This started out as being one of my biggest struggles. Going in, I had no doubt I would love the kiddos but their bio parents, I was worried I would hate not like them.
It takes lots of prayer. LOTS. Being a foster parent has taught me a lot about love and forgiveness and a lot of that is because of dealing with birth parents.
I am not going to lie and say it is easy. It's not. But after praying for them, God has given me a glimpse into what their lives may have looked like. To have a little bit of sympathy for what they must face and feel. The first few months after our placement of Little Man, I was so angry at his parents. Now my heart hurts for them. I pray for them always and think I will continue to even if we adopt him. I went in wanting nothing to do with them and at this point I kind of want to keep them posted somehow after the case is all done and over.

What do I need to do to become a foster parent?
Your first step is going to be to contact a foster agency or your local DCFS (Deptartment of Children and Family Services) they will get you the info you need.To become certified you will need to:

• Complete the Training (we did ours in like 4 weekends at our agency)
• Complete CPR and First Aid certification.
• Everyone over 18 in your home will need to be livescanned (cleared through state and FBI), we needed to have 2 live-scans each, one foster and one adoption. In California, you need to be certified for both.
• Have a completed home study. This included a safety check of your home, with a long list of things that must be done. It also includes an "interview" with each member of the family.
• Have a physical. Include TB test.
• Provide references
• Keep up to date with 15 hours of training annually

I think that covers it all.

I only want babies. Is that possible?
Yes, it is. When filing out paperwork and speaking with your agency, you can be as specific as you would like. You need to make sure that a child would fit well into your family. If an age specification is what you think would be best for you and the child, by all means yes. It is actually recommended that any child placed with you be younger than the youngest child in your home.
Keep in mind when laying out your specifics (age, gender, ethnicity, ect.) that the more you narrow it down, the longer and harder it will be to find a placement.

These are all of the questions we received in the past few weeks. Thank you so much for showing so much interest. These babies need to be fought for and your interest warmed my heart. Please, please continue to ask questions. We would love to answer you privately and post any continued questions and answers monthly or weekly depending on how many we get.

Continue to pray for foster children, orphans, and the families that are caring for them.

Our Mission Field

We are foster parents.

We started fostering while we already had two small children at home.

Children who don't quite understand and whose innocence we still needed to protect.

When we accepted our first placement (you know him as little man) we decided to share a little bit with our kids about foster care. Only enough that they would understand that the child they knew as their brother could one day leave our home. We worked and prayed hard to find the right words. The words that would inform but not rob them of innocence.

Not knowing what our cases would look like, we simply told the kids that the babies who came to stay with us had another mommy and daddy who couldn't take care of them right now. That we didn't know their situation yet but they might be sick or have to go away for a little while. If they got better and were able to take care of the baby, the baby would go home. If the mommy and daddy stayed sick or in another place then the baby would stay with us forever.

Talon who is still only two, had no clue what we were talking about. Rhiannon who is 4, seemed to understand quite well. She is proud to be a foster family. She informs people often that Little Man is our foster baby but he is still her brother right now. When she grows up she wants only one baby to come from her belly and the rest will be foster babies. She wants to love and help the babies and their mommies. 

She got it. We were good. We thought.

Then this week as we talked about the new baby coming soon, As we shared our joy of baby Corbin, a look of fear washed over her. She looked at me and stated sadly "and if you and daddy get sick, he will go live with another family".

My heart broke. While trying to protect her we put fear in her little heart. We had explain a little bit more about Little Mans family. We spared as much detail as we could.  It was still more than we wanted to say.

The truth is, we live in a broken world. We live in a world full of scary and not so nice things. Things no child should have to try to understand. 

We speak often about how our home is a mission field. By being foster parents we are reaching out to a broken world starting right within our own walls. This is the first time our lives have really had the effect of it all. It was rough.

As I sat saddened by the fact that my four year old had to hear of some of these things, my heart ached. It ached even more thinking of how my one year old has had to live through them. He had to witness them first hand. 

Our baby who is only one has lived and seen more of this broken world than many adults. He didn't have parents who were protecting his innocence. 

But he does now. 

Our children need to be protected. They need to be allowed to believe in a world that is better. 

They also need to understand that we live in a broken world. A world that needs Jesus. That they are the light that can shine for Him. 

I just wish it could start later than four years old.

My girl knows The Lord though. She knows that she loves Him and He loves her. She wants to serve Him. She already desires to mother orphans. To follow His will. 

Foster care is tough but it has built us up. It has helped us grow. To serve. To love. It has molded and shaped all of us. 

It has done this by breaking us first. We have to surrender daily. We have to seek The Lord regularly. He have to be ready to hear from Him and trust in Him to help us answer even the tough questions. 

When the Surrender is Tough

Sometimes it is hard to have faith. Sometimes the world seems like it is crashing down on us. There are times when surrendering things to God is the hardest thing you have to do. There are moments when the possible outcomes look so horrendous that you would like to run a million miles away from where you are.

This week was one of those times. This week I received a phone call that stopped me in my tracks. That took me from a place of joy to complete and utter panic.

As I sat in bed and wept, I found myself praying that God would remove us from this place. That He would keep us all safely together. That God would take away this fear.

While I prayed, I felt a subtle reminder of a message our pastor shared recently. We should not be praying for safety but instead for boldness. God does not call us to play it safe. He surely did not want us to play it safe when He led us into this world of foster care.


God calls us to be bold.

What does that even mean?

I can't tell you much about our personal journey in foster care (yes, I know I sound like a broken record saying that all the time). I can tell you that we are part of a system that is broken. Seeing a little bit of the inside of this world, I am amazed. Things are not working. The system needs to be fixed. These kids need to be fought for.

How would praying for our safety help that? It wouldn't. We need to be bold. We need to fight. Not only for Little Man but for all of the kids in this warped world.

Boldness. Standing up for what is right. Standing strongly and distinctly.

The world pushes us down. Satan wants us to live in fear. I say, we take that fear and use it to our advantage. The more afraid we are, the harder we fight.

In our current state, I am referring to foster care. The fight to keep our child or make sure he goes to a safe home.

For you it could be anything; a job loss, missions, leadership.

Let's be bold. Let's fight. Let's use our fears to rock this world for the Kingdom.

We don't have to be held down by fear anymore. We can surrender our worries before the Lord and ask to be used in mighty ways. We don't need to run away but straight at the issues that want to keep us far from God's plan.

My Our worlds might be crashing down on us but I serve a God that already has victory over this world. He can help us put the pieces back together. The puzzle may not fit the way we think it should but with Him, it will fit more beautifully than we ever imagined.

Joy Overwhelming

It has been a while since I have blogged about our foster care journey. It is difficult to find words to share here that will not get us into trouble. There are lots and lots of things we can't share, which is why if you follow us on instagram or facebook, you have grown rather familiar with the back of our Little Man's head. Haha.

What I can share here is how I am feeling. I am overwhelmed. Now I say that and I know where your mind went. You guys, I am not talking busy, even though I am. I am not talking about fear, even though it rises. I am talking about joy. I am talking about blessings.

I want to preface all of this by saying, foster care is not an easy road. It is not all rainbows and unicorns. It is tough. I think about the way my little man acts in the hours or days following a visit and it is saddening. I think about the twists and turns in his case that make it appear that he may go home and it's scary. Being a foster mom can be really hard at times.

But oh the joy.

Each milestone is so exciting. Watching these sweet babies overcome is exhilirating. Knowing that God is using us to help heal these babies is an honor.

Each trial has taught us to rely more and more on the Lord. Our relationship with Him has grown so so much. He is the rock that keeps us standing.

I have heard so many times, by so many people, things like "I could never do what you are doing", "I don't know how you do it". People, do you know who you are talking to? I am the girl who said she couldn't wait to adopt but would NEVER do foster care. I can not do this alone. I am only able to do this because of God. I am, oh so  thankful that He pulled me from that place of fear and equipped me. This life, although challenging brings us so much joy. Joy overwhelming.

I wish that in this spot, I could post a picture of our little man's smile. He moves people. He does something to you. There is something about him...something no one can resist. God is using him. God has a plan. He has a had a plan for this child since before he called us to be his foster parents. God is using us in mighty ways. I am not saying that to boast but to tell you that this road is not all pain and sorrow, it is not all challenges. In fact, most days have no pain, no hardships, just joy.

I have heard a lot lately about kids who are being detained (removed from their parent's care) and have no where to go. There are not enough homes. The stories have been heart wrenching. So many of you have e-mailed me and said you wished you could take them. You wish you could do this.

I am here to tell you, you can! I never thought I could. I never thought I had it in me. But the love for these children takes away all those inabilities. The love of Christ in us overpowers the fear. That's not to say fears will disappear. They are still there, for me at least. What I am saying, is that our God is bigger than our fears. He is able when we are not.

My biggest fear outside of "losing" a child while doing this was loving the parents. <---- Did you know God calls us to do that to? Craziness, right? I'm kidding. Kind of.

Last week after our visit, bio dad said "God Bless you" as he walked out of the room. Because I fought my human self and desire to dislike them, because I chose to love as Christ would love, this man, who weeks earlier wouldn't speak a word to my husband or I, asked God to bless me. I don't know how much he meant those words but I can tell you what they meant to me. Joy. Our God is so big. He is changing hearts and lives. Whether this man changes or not, I know that God has begun moving in him. What greater joy than to know the Lord and to show Him to others.

I don't know where I am trying to go with this post. Maybe one of you needed to hear this. Maybe one of you has had doubts as to whether or not you could do this or if God could use you in this way. Maybe you just needed to hear that it isn't all pain. Maybe you needed just a little push to make the big jump. If that's the case, would you please e-mail me? I would love to speak with you.

Then it hit me...

Doctors office this is Melissa, how can I help you?"

"Hi Melissa, this is Kristen Murphy, I brought my son in last..."

Heart stops, losing breathe, lump in throat, then tears.

"Ms Murphy, I think we have a bad connection, you were saying you brought your son in, what is your sons name?"

"Umm, he's uhh.. Melissa can I call you right back"

In that moment it hit me, it hit me hard that he is not my son. I clearly have known this all along and have been so good about saying foster child when making our appointments and meetings regarding little man. But I have become so attached.

He is not my son. This beautiful little baby has parents. And I am not one of them. Ouch.

He calls me mama. He's been saying it for about a week. And I feel like his mama. I am his mama for right now. But only right now.

Can I tell you though, as much as this pains me, the blessing far outweigh the pain. Little man has entered our home and brought so much joy. His milestones and development are such a celebration. He is amazing.

Foster care is tough. I won't lie and say its not.

There are more appointments than you would imagine. Weekly visits with our Serenity Social worker, monthly with county workers. There's the doctors visits and therapies. It's a lot.

There is the risk of heartbreak. The pain of knowing he may not always be here. There's the questions from strangers and not knowing how to answer. There's the phone call to a doctor that reminds you he is not yours.

But there is a child. One who needs you. Who was taken from the only place he knew and needed a place to go. Who needs someone not only to take care of him but love him like their own. To be his mama for right now.

As much as it hurts to realize that he may not always be our son, he is right now. This little man is teaching me to love in a whole new way. To love without fear. To love in spite of the cost. What a gift.

Love on

This week has been a tough one. Emotionally I mean.

Being a foster mom is a challenging road. I knew it would be. I know what I signed up for and with it comes challenges and heartache. Knowing that heartache is possible evident, does not make it any easier.

Nothing bad has happened. It's not that at all. It is the attachment. I love this child like my own. But he is not my own. He has parents. He has parents that I hope to help reunify with him. Even though that is our ultimate goal, reunification, it terrifies me.

Yesterday, Rhiannon was asking questions. Asking if she could see little mans house. Asking if she could meet his other mommy. Asking where his other mommy was. It was so hard to put on a strong face. The questions were just a reminder.

I was praying about this all. Praying that God would help me to not attach so much. I want to be there and to love him with all I have. To show him a home filled with the love of Christ. I want to attach with him and not show him an ounce of hurt while he is here. Even if that means I am heartbroken when he leaves. I am doing this for him and for his parents. If I get hurt along the way, that is okay because I helped them through their trial.

While praying for myself and my fear of being too attached, it quickly turned to thanksgiving. That I am able to be a part of little mans life, even if it is just for now. That I get to help a family. That I can help to put the pieces back together if that is what is in God's plan.

This road is full of ups and downs. Instead of praying for protection of my own heart. I want to continue to praise him for what he is doing in Little Mans life. If I get hurt along the way, God will fill that gap with the joy of knowing that we showed a family the love of our Savior.

Pray for us that we will continue to keep our eyes on the right things. That we remember why we are doing this.

Thanks so much for following along on our journey in foster care. We appreciate everyone of you and all of the prayers that are shining so brightly through this child.