His behaviors and functioning were the same yesterday as they were today...but today he is autistic. The A word. It rocks you. It shakes you in a way you would never imagine.
Looking at my boy before his evaluation, I already knew everything they were going to say. Sensory issues galore. Little to no eye contact. Severe speech delays. And the tantrums. I knew the words were coming before an evaluation was even referred. Yet today when the words left the doctors mouth, I froze.
All of the questions I had planned to ask when they gave me the diagnosis were lost. I just sat there. I nodded and agreed to all the things they listed about my boy. About my autistic son.
In a way, hearing it spoken out loud, helped me. For months, we have been in a place of what ifs and how do we's . This gives us so much clarity. You guys, I am going to be able to learn how to parent my kid. To be able to get him the therapies he needs to function. All I can think about is how, maybe just maybe, someday soon other kids will actually want to play with him.
Seeing your child struggle through the days is heart wrenching. Knowing that there is a reason for it brings a little relief. In no way are we wanting to label him or put him in a box. We know how big our God is. We know He will use this.
I feel like such a scattered mess. Half of me is heart broken. My sweet boy, he will live every day in a way that I cannot even imagine. I can try to grasp it and do my best to understand but I never really will. His life will be a little harder because of this. Our lives will be too. I feel so selfish saying that but it will be. From speech therapy to OT and ABA therapy, there will be hours spent.
On the other side, this boy radiates joy. He is the sweetest little love bug. He is worth every struggle and every minute spent.
I know that this diagnosis does not limit what he can do or who he can be. It means work but not boudries. It means struggles but not limitations. Being special needs does not put him on a specific path, we just need to figure out what route to take.
We are ready to put in the work to see little man blossom. I would be lying to say I wasn't a little relieved. His autism means I wasn't failing as his mom. Although before today I didn't know I was an autism mom, I was in the trenches, with no guidelines, no idea how to parent this child. It is not an easy place to be. To doubt everything you do because you aren't sure if you are disciplining your child for something that they truly can't control. Forcing them to do things that scare or overwhelm them. Now I know and now I can learn what he needs and how he needs it.
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How can this even be possible? How can one child be dealt so many bad hands? One moment we were fine. The next we are finding out just how much of a challenge his life could actually be. We are trusting in God to give us guidance and answers and miracles. We are ready for this rain to stop and the blessings to shine.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is a life, that although hard, will be full of blessings. We have already seen so many little things that show us how God's hand has been in Little Man's life from day one, even as he was in his birth mother's womb. Many things we cannot share because of him being a foster placement.
One thing I cannot get past is the location of his chromosome loss. Had it been anywhere else in the area where Cri-Du-Chat is located, he would have had a cat like cry. They would have known of this disorder from birth. They did not. This disorder puts him in a special needs category that we said we could not handle. We would have never received a placement call for him when he was detained. He was meant to be our child, regardless of whether we thought we could handle it or not. We had a plan but our God is bigger and His plans are far more beautiful. I did not sign up for special needs adoption. In fact, I set limitations on it. But today, I am a special needs mom and it doesn't look anything like what I imagined.
