Nightmares

It's every adoptive moms worse nightmare. I may be generalizing slightly but I'm certain that it is at the top of the list for most. The nightmare? Someone, likely a relative, from your child's past comes back to take them away. For a foster mama, it is slightly different. At the stage we are at, we do not want our baby going back to his bio family but if it happened, it happens. We do still have the nightmare of him being snatched and taken away though.

I know, what's the point of an image at this point? Gotta do it though.

This weekend, I thought that I came face to face with that fear. We were walking through Wal-mart when a man commented "look at you with your hands all full", in the nicest way I have ever heard a comment like that. I smiled and told him that he was right, I can hardly handle how much fun they bring (my new go to answer with the your hands are full comment).

The next statement. That was the one. The one that made me want to cry, run and scream for help. He looked at Little Man. Then back at me. The he said it. With his smile now gone. "Uh, he looks familiar. What's his name?" I froze for a second and then said his name. His birth name. Just his first name. But a name that is not common. At all. And that's when I died. What the cuss was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking. People typically ask his name when they are trying to figure out his ethnicity. A way of asking if he is a different race without actually asking. So I give his birth name to drop the awkward convo which would not be awkward if you just asked "What ethnicity is he?" (I will stop giving this name when we legally change it).

Anyhow, this was not the case. That was not what he was asking or trying to find out. He was trying to find out if he just stumbled upon _____ and _____'s kid and he was going to take him away. Okay, that was not what was going down. That's just how I felt.

Turns out, Little man looks like his nephew. Apparently, exactly like his nephew. Who he hasn't seen in like a year. He thought I was babysitting him. Which made sense because clearly "one of these things are not like the others". Don't worry, he didn't say that. It's just kind of the look people give sometimes.

This post is so totally random and all over the place. I know. I felt the need to share though because it is one of the few things I can share about our story right now. It is our reality. There are so many other things I want to share with you when/if we are so blessed to adopt our little man.

His testimony will be powerful but not one I will share. It is his. There are so many things in our journey though. So many areas of the system NEED to change. I cannot wait to advocate here for those things. But today, I just give you a glimpse into the fearful heart of a mom.