Setting my Worries Aside

Today was not a great day. It started off so terribly. On our way to VBS (Vacation Bible School), the car overheated. The only car that fits our family. It was frustrating and we almost just turned around.

So many little things have happened this week and they've added up to be bigger. Do you ever have days or weeks like that? Nothing huge happens but the stack of little things amount to something so much more?

On my way to pick the kids up from VBS I told my mother in law "something big is going to happen in my kids this week because the enemy clearly does not want them here".

People! Are you ready for my big?

Okay, so let's back track a little here. Our 3 year old has autism. If you've been around here for a while you know that. Do you all know a lot about autism though? I still really don't fully understand what it means. I mean, it is really something different for every kid, so how can we really comprehend it?

For our little guy, it means lots of things. Some things are harder than others. A really hard aspect for us is relationship. Nixon desires to be social but doesn't always get it.  I mean he has come a long way but he still is at a loss in a lot of areas. 

He has a hard time reading emotion. He can mimic and makes an attempt to piece together the faces we show him on flash cards to real life emotion. He tries playing with other kids but doesn't really grasp friendships or relationships.

Seeing your child struggle to make connections and wondering if he will ever really have friends is hard. What is harder and scarier though is wondering if he will ever comprehend God. If he struggles with relationships when people are right in front of him, how will he ever understand a God who he cannot see? How do we teach him about the love of our savior if he doesn't even understand our love? We worry and pray about it often. 

Enough back story now. Back to the "big" thing. As I asked the kids about what they had learned today, before the others could respond, Nixon belts out "Jesus". This is like the go to answer for kids in church but not THIS kid. His answer was a big deal. It gets bigger though. Surprised, I say "What about Jesus?" and proud as can be, yet totally nonchalantly he says "he my friend". Say what? That's right you guys, his friend!

Do I think that he really understands? I don't know. I think as much as a 3 year old can, he does. What I am realizing though is this: God does not have the boundaries that we do. He does not operate in the same ways that we do. He can penetrate the heart of a child whose brain may not understand. How silly are we to limit God?

How often do I fear the unknown and doubt what God can do? Why do we insist on telling God what He can do? 

It is time to stop worrying and trust that God has this. I encourage you all, whatever is burdening you today, hand it over. Don't give up or count it as a loss so quickly. God is there. He has always been there. Even when we doubt. Even when we fear. He is there, ready to carry our burden and worry and sorrow for us. He WILL meet us where we are. As He is doing for Nixon, he will work around the things that hold us back. We just have to be willing to listen, to wait, to trust Him. 

Can we all do that? And can you remind me tomorrow when my worry creeps back in? 

Getting Printed

Do you ever have irrational fears? I am a bit paranoid. And by a bit, I mean extremely. So, I have irrational fears sometimes.

Let's rewind a few years. Hubby and I work for a company that supplies Environmental tooling. On occasion I work in the warehouse, shipping out orders. I notice that the heavy duty packing tape peels little copies of my fingerprints. Funny...but not really. Kinda creepy. I point out that someone could easily copy my finger prints and frame me for a crime. Chuckle, chuckle. Just kidding.

Back to current times.

This is where I warn you not to laugh. Remember I said it was irrational? Keep that in mind as you mock me.

Today we head to get fingerprinted for Live Scan. Our first big step towards foster care. I am so excited. This is it. It is actually starting to come together. When out of no where, FEAR.

Dude, what am I afraid of? I have committed no crimes. Ever. But wait, those stinkin' finger prints! What if someone seriously took the tape and made millions of copies to place at a crime scene? I could be framed for a serious crime. Like murder or somethin'!

This is for real people. I watch Law and Order. This stuff happens all the time!

I didn't get hauled off in cuffs when they took my prints, so I'm guessing that the fear is indeed irrational and I have not been framed. But really, I was sweating there for a minute.

Do you ever have irrational fears like me? Tell me I am not alone in this crazy little world.

Here we go...

It has been almost a year since we began REALLY talking and praying about adoption. Almost a year since we felt the call to go the route of Foster to Adopt. Almost a year since I have been fighting or ignoring the tug on my heart to do Foster care to adopt.

I thought maybe just maybe, I was hearing wrong. Okay, maybe I knew in my heart all along that this was God and just chose to pretend I was not sure. We all do that sometimes right? Right? I am not the only one am I?

.......

So after a year of playing the good ol' game of denial, I heard God loud and clear. In an audible voice. PS I am not crazy. Before I was saved, before I experienced a real life relationship with God, I thought people were crazy when they said they heard God. Not true. God actually speaks to us, if we are willing to listen.

Okay. I promise. That is my last tangent. Where was I even going with this?

Oh, yes, my conversation with God. I am calling it a conversation because I am a little embarrassed to call it what it was an argument. The "conversation" went something like this.

Major tug on heart once again. Stronger than ever. Telling ME that it is time to do foster/adopt. 

Me: "God, I can't. I think this is what you are telling me to do but I can't. I am too scared. I am not strong enough to lose a baby I love"

God: "You don't have to be. I AM. I am big enough and strong enough to get you through this. Remember your miscarriages? Remember how broken you were? Did I not pick you up and pull you out of that?"

Me: "That was different. When I lost my babies I knew they were going to you. They were safe in YOUR arms. I was okay with that"

God: "So will these babies. I will be with them. Whether they are with you or with their birth moms or another foster home. I will be with them"

Me: "I'm just not ready. Not yet. I will be. I trust you. I'm just not ready yet."

God: "You trust me? Then what are you waiting for? Drop your net and follow me."

Me: "My net?" ::Remembering the story of Simon (Peter) and Andrew:::

Looks like we will be doing Foster to Adopt.

At the beginning of the year we will start the process. We will be filing out paper work. We will be preparing our home. We will be getting ready to welcome hurting babies into our home.

We would love it if you would pray for us.

Pray for our hearts. That the fear of losing our babes will be minimal. Pray that every child we come in contact with would feel our love for them. That each one would be rescued from their pain. Pray for guidance. That we would know exactly where to go and what to do. Just pray.

I am getting excited about this journey. I am still scared. I want to rescue all of the motherless/abused/neglected/hurting babies. I want to sweep them up from the system and give them a forever home. I know that God is going to use us. Whether the first baby in our home stays forever or we take in 25 and they all must leave, I know He has a plan. I am scared but I am done letting that fear control me. I will follow God. I will have a new baby soon. I can't wait to meet them. Eeeek!

Keep praying. Come along on our journey with us and help us to pray and love on any and all of the children that come in our home.