My loss - My reaction

Go HERE to read the 1st part of this.

I couldn't pull myself out of bed for weeks. Did I really lose my baby? Was he/she really gone? I didn't want to face the world. I didn't want to see the people who shared in the joy of our recently announced pregnancy. I wanted to be alone, in silence.

I got tons of phone calls, people telling me it wasn't my fault. I 'knew' it was. Whether I did something wrong or my stupid body just couldn't carry my baby properly, it was my fault. I know better now, at least most of the time.

I got a call from a close friend, telling me not to blame God. What nerve! I never blamed God. In fact, I had never depended on Him more. I put my faith in Him to get through it all, I knew I could not get past this time without Him. I cannot tell you how many times I prayed, how many hours were spent with him in prayer or silence, listening for Him to tell me what to do next, how to use this for His glory. How the death of my unborn baby could result in glory was beyond me but I knew that He had a plan. I still don't know His plan but I cling daily to the hope that He will use that precious baby for good somehow.

Although the phone call made me beyond angry, it made me think. My husband and I were the youth leaders at our church. If this one person thought I was blaming God, what was everyone else thinking. After a few weeks at home, I decided I needed to go to church and face the crowd.

I got all the courtesy hugs and sympathetic words. I cannot tell you how many people told me stories of their own miscarriages and pointed to their now healthy children. Or how many people told me that I would be okay and I would have plenty of babies. These words did not comfort me. I wasn't worried about future babies, I knew they would come. I wanted the baby I lost, I wanted that baby's life to be recognized. I wanted that baby's death to be mourned.

Before church even began, I ducked into the office to hide. The church secretary was there, we ditched service and hung out in the office until everyone had left the building. I snuck out of the building and went back to my cave. I stayed there for another month.

I had to get back to work. We were struggling to pay our bills. My time off had put us into debt, not to mention our medical bills. We weren't trying for a baby, we didn't have insurance and I didn't qualify for any of the emergency medical care. We are still paying off debt acquired in that time. We had to move out of our apartment. We stayed with my grandma for a few months after that, trying to get back on our feet financially.

I had to re-enter the world. I had been hiding for too long. I was getting lost in my sorrow. Although I needed the silence, I would not recommend anyone dealing with loss being alone as much as I was. Going back to reality was tough but I managed.

I still struggle. The past few weeks have been extremely hard. This Halloween will mark 5 years of my pregnancy loss, my child's death. In my moments of weakness, I have had people say things like "you were only 3 months pregnant" "At least you weren't further along" I encourage you, to NEVER use these words. A life is a life. Please do not belittle peoples feelings or loss. Do no get me wrong, this is not to say that it wouldn't have been more devastating if I were further along or even more so if I had actually held my baby. Simply that the place and stage I was in was already bad enough. Comparisons were/are NOT needed.

I'm not sure why I am feeling the need to share this all with you or why I hadn't already. I don't know what it will make you think or feel. I hope that in some way this will help you to understand me and other mommys like me better. If you have had a loss of your own, I hope in some way I can encourage you or we can encourage eachother. Like I said, I'm not sure of the purpose of any of this, all I know is that God will use it. Somehow, He will use our circumstances, even the worse of them.