Faking a Smile

On October 18th, I had my second miscarriage.

I didn't really tell anyone.

I have put on a fake smile and let everyone think that everything is okay, that nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

I was prepping for The Threadery. I was getting ready to see lots of people there. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want the hugs. And let's be honest, I didn't want to hear the things people say to comfort you but hurt you even more.

I kept myself distracted. I kept myself busy. I WAS okay, in a sense.

And then The Threadery was over. And I had time to hurt. And I hurt. I am broken.

My emotions are EVERYwhere. I am sad. I am confused. If I want to be really real; I feel guilty that I can't help thinking about my first miscarriage. The one that happened 5 years ago today. I feel guilty that as devastated and sad as I am now, it fails in comparison to the one I had then. Maybe because I was further along? Maybe because I was more bonded with the baby I had known for longer? I don't know.

Now I sit here aching. I am mourning the 5 year of the first baby that I lost and now I am mourning baby number 2. I am broken.

I wasn't going to share this at all. I didn't want to tell anyone really. A friend told me I should. Not because I am obligated to but because I need your prayers.

You have all been there for me. You prayed with me throughout my pregnancy with Talon and we saw miracles. You showed me more love and compassion after I shared about my first miscarriage than I could have even imagined.

I need you all again. I need to get through this time. I know I will. I have before. But I need to be okay for my kids. I need to not lock myself in my home for months at a time like I did before. I just need prayer.

God has been so faithful and I find comfort in Him. I find comfort in knowing that my babies are with Him.

I will be okay because I find refuge in God but can you all just pray for me and my family?