Then it hit me...

Doctors office this is Melissa, how can I help you?"

"Hi Melissa, this is Kristen Murphy, I brought my son in last..."

Heart stops, losing breathe, lump in throat, then tears.

"Ms Murphy, I think we have a bad connection, you were saying you brought your son in, what is your sons name?"

"Umm, he's uhh.. Melissa can I call you right back"

In that moment it hit me, it hit me hard that he is not my son. I clearly have known this all along and have been so good about saying foster child when making our appointments and meetings regarding little man. But I have become so attached.

He is not my son. This beautiful little baby has parents. And I am not one of them. Ouch.

He calls me mama. He's been saying it for about a week. And I feel like his mama. I am his mama for right now. But only right now.

Can I tell you though, as much as this pains me, the blessing far outweigh the pain. Little man has entered our home and brought so much joy. His milestones and development are such a celebration. He is amazing.

Foster care is tough. I won't lie and say its not.

There are more appointments than you would imagine. Weekly visits with our Serenity Social worker, monthly with county workers. There's the doctors visits and therapies. It's a lot.

There is the risk of heartbreak. The pain of knowing he may not always be here. There's the questions from strangers and not knowing how to answer. There's the phone call to a doctor that reminds you he is not yours.

But there is a child. One who needs you. Who was taken from the only place he knew and needed a place to go. Who needs someone not only to take care of him but love him like their own. To be his mama for right now.

As much as it hurts to realize that he may not always be our son, he is right now. This little man is teaching me to love in a whole new way. To love without fear. To love in spite of the cost. What a gift.