The first year

Today marks one year since Little Man has entered our life. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

It all started with a phone call.

"Mrs. Murphy, are you ready?"
Uhhhh. yes!!!!!
"We have a 4month old baby boy, here is what we know...."
WE WANT HIM!
"Do you need to ask your husband?"
No. We want him. I don't need to ask. (Don't judge me people, it was my baby I felt it. Hubby understood haha)
"Ok, I will call the social worker and let them know there is a family if he still needs one."

Then we waited and waited. For two hours. Then the call. He would be here is a few hours. So we shopped.

He arrived. Not at all how you expect a child to come. A knock on the door. A child placed in my arms while a woman ran to her car, grabbed a small bag and a stroller. She had us look him over, sign a few papers and left. We didn't even know how to pronounce his name (we weren't even positive until our first visit 3 months later). This precious boy was basically dropped on our doorstep, it was so surreal.

You know that feeling when your baby is first placed on your chest? That overwhelming feeling of love? That is how we felt when handed Little Man. I loved him just like my others. Insane love and attachment instantly. It scared me. He is still someone else's child. He can still leave. But oh the love he will receive while he is here...and forever.

This year has been a beautiful mess.

We have had tears and laughter, sometimes both at the same time.
We've had weekly visits and then none at all. And then the same thing all over again.

There have been court dates and postponements. Oh the postponements.
There have been scary decisions made by a judge whose name we didn't even know. With a lawyer we didn't even know had changed. We have dealt with a broken system.

We have seen his first teeth come in. Watched him learn to roll, crawl, walk run and jump.
We have heard his first words. He calls me mama.

A few family vacations. Lots of fun days. Disneyland. Beaches. Zoos. Adventures.

His first birthday has come and gone. We have celebrated his milestones. His months, year and HIM.

We've watched him fail to attach. We have felt the heartbreak of loving a baby who was too scared of us leaving to really truly love us back. We celebrated a bit, the first time that he cried when we left. He loves us. We've watched him fall asleep numerous nights, knowing he was scared we would leave. We still have these nights. He is attached and sometimes scared.

We've been amazed at how early he learned so much. When he was placed in our home, he could roll to one side. Within weeks he was rolling and crawling. He started taking steps at 10.5 months. He started fully walking on his birthday. We are fairly certain he was walking behind our backs before then. He is a silly little joker.

He has always had the sweetest smile. It seems to get bigger and brighter by the day or maybe even minute. His full belly laugh will melt you but only if you can see his face, because he laughs so hard and intensely he often sounds like he is scream-crying, as we call it.

This boy radiates joy even through his struggles.

This year has been crazy. This year has been joyous. This year has been hard. This year has been fun. This year has been emotional. This year has been amazing.

Little man has grown. He has attached. He loves. He struggles. He clings. He fights. He brings laughter and smiles everywhere he goes. He is amazing.

We have grown. We have attached. We love. We struggle. We cling to. We fight. We laugh and smile. We are amazed at what God has done.