Hatred of Halloween

Costumes and candies.

Trick or Treating and laughter.

Harvest fest. Games. Prizes. Bounce houses and petting zoos.

Halloween/Harvest is a day that brings such joy and fun. For me, it is a day that I am forced to put on a happy face for my kids.

It is the day that my heart physically hurts. Where I feel a sense of longing that can't be filled. At least not now.

I talk about it a lot here. Halloween is the day that my first child went to meet Jesus before I ever had a chance to meet them.

It is the day I learned what loss and pain really feels like.

Some years I feel like having such a significant day being the day of our miscarriage makes it harder. All the very vivid memories flood in. Forgetting the details are impossible. It makes it hurt so much worse.

Some years I love the distraction. Not sure how I feel today. My kids are so excited to dress up and I am truly excited to do that with them but the second they leave the room or it gets quite. I feel like I am going to collapse.

I wish I could explain the pain of miscarriage to those who haven't been there. So many are confused by our pain. Don't understand why we hurt so much all of these years later. Why I cry now that I actually have kids.

I wish people understood why I have to sit in front of a tv eating ice cream and ignoring the world. I wish people understood that I lost a child and not simply a pregnancy.

Right now I just wish this day was over...

Instead, I will put on a smile. Let my kids fill me with joy and remember how God has used this precious child. What a legacy that baby is leaving without ever walking on this earth.

It will still hurt but maybe the sting will be removed enough. Maybe.

Sweet Tooth Safety

The gloom that October brings me has meant two things for this little series.

1. I don't check in often.
I haven't been really posting on the blog. I don't have time and when I do, I just don't feel like doing anything. I hate October. Other than Rhiannon's birthday, that I haven't shared about, this month is nothing but sadness for me. So I neglect the blog and all of the things I know I want to post about.

2. I eat. A lot.
I am a bit of a depression/stress eater. It means bad things for a diet. I have done fairly well considering but the weight isn't shedding as quickly as I would have liked.

So here I am. Finally checking in. With little to no useful info for you all. But I wanted to sign on and let you know I have not quit. Set backs, yes. Quitter, no.

What I can share with you is about not gaining while in a funk.

I have been able to maintain and even slowly lose weight despite the stress and sadness eating. The trick. Don't tell yourself no. Don't make it so you can't eat the things that you need to sit and cry with or the things that bring you comfort. If you are anything like me, if you tell yourself no to a favorite, you will want it more. It becomes the food you sneak. So why not just make it work?

I am a coffee drinker. I love me some Starbucks. I mentioned it in the last post I believe but I have simply been choosing lower calorie options. The taste is a tad bit off but it still meets the craving.

Let's look at the Mocha Frappuccino (this is the part of the blog where you look away if you would like to continue living in denial). The Venti Mocha Frappuccino has a whooping 400 calories. Ouch. That is a third of my daily intake. Not okay. But when we move on to the Light version it is only 190 calories. Less than half of the caloric intake. What the what?!?! New favsie. I can drink this and eat a fruit and we have breakfast. Is this the healthiest option? No, but we will work on healthy when I'm not lookin' for comfort. Don't judge :)

Need a chocolate fix? Go with dark chocolate. Although the calories are about the same, the carbs are not. Now I don't do the no or even low carb diet but when I'm not eating a protein to balance it all out, I try not to eat too many carbs. Makes sense, right? I think so. Haha. Oh and also, maybe it is just me but I feel like dark chocolate tends to be more filling. Don't quote me on that though.

Lastly, ice-cream. Who needs it? Go Fro-Yo.

So those are my tips to losing weight while eating whatever you want.

Mind you, I do not do this every day. It is not a regular thing. But when I need something to meet my "I need sweets 'cause I'm sad and I'm a girl" craziness, these are the options I have used to stay within my limits.

Then it hit me...

Doctors office this is Melissa, how can I help you?"

"Hi Melissa, this is Kristen Murphy, I brought my son in last..."

Heart stops, losing breathe, lump in throat, then tears.

"Ms Murphy, I think we have a bad connection, you were saying you brought your son in, what is your sons name?"

"Umm, he's uhh.. Melissa can I call you right back"

In that moment it hit me, it hit me hard that he is not my son. I clearly have known this all along and have been so good about saying foster child when making our appointments and meetings regarding little man. But I have become so attached.

He is not my son. This beautiful little baby has parents. And I am not one of them. Ouch.

He calls me mama. He's been saying it for about a week. And I feel like his mama. I am his mama for right now. But only right now.

Can I tell you though, as much as this pains me, the blessing far outweigh the pain. Little man has entered our home and brought so much joy. His milestones and development are such a celebration. He is amazing.

Foster care is tough. I won't lie and say its not.

There are more appointments than you would imagine. Weekly visits with our Serenity Social worker, monthly with county workers. There's the doctors visits and therapies. It's a lot.

There is the risk of heartbreak. The pain of knowing he may not always be here. There's the questions from strangers and not knowing how to answer. There's the phone call to a doctor that reminds you he is not yours.

But there is a child. One who needs you. Who was taken from the only place he knew and needed a place to go. Who needs someone not only to take care of him but love him like their own. To be his mama for right now.

As much as it hurts to realize that he may not always be our son, he is right now. This little man is teaching me to love in a whole new way. To love without fear. To love in spite of the cost. What a gift.

Show Schedule

Hey all-

I have been getting lots of e-mails lately about when and where all of the shows that we are doing will be. I thought it would be easiest to post it all here for all of you local readers.

Saturday October 27th-
Product will be at two locations this day!

Queen Bee Aliso Viejo

Aliso Viejo Conference Center

31 Santa Barbara

from 9am-3pm 

 Fall Boutique & Fundraiser

Home Boutique

14715 Ragan Dr. La Mirada

10am-4pm

On the 27th I will only be attending the Queen Bee Market, so if you would like to visit, come on over. My amazing assistant will be managing our mini booth at the La Mirada fundraiser and she will be able to help you with anything you need.

Saturday Nov. 3rd. 

The Market at SCC

Saddleback Covenant Church

23401 Madero Mission Viejo

from 10am to 2pm

Saturday Nov. 10th

Adoption Fundraiser...

Details coming soon

Lastly... 

The Cornerstone Church Christmas Boutique

This is our first annual Christmas Boutique to be open to the public and I am beyond excited. I will give you all of the details soon. ALSOOOO.... if you own a handmade shop and are interested in being a vendor, email me at Vesselhandmade@gmail.com. We are still looking for vendors. This event has been a week long show in the past that goes along with our Christmas Tea. The boutique has always done very well and are excited to open it up this year!

One Year

When will the pain go away? How long will I feel like this? Does it ever get better?

After sharing my story of miscarriage, a ton of readers have come to me. I have become a person that people feel they can talk to. I love that about our community. Opening up about our pain and struggles allow others to have a comfort in approaching someone.

What I have told those readers, the women who come to me in the midst of loss, is that eventually, you will feel like you can breathe again. Like the world that has just collapsed on top of you will slowly lift itself up. You will never be the same. You will always have a hurt in your heart but things will return to a new kind of normal. One that isn't quite the same but you will be okay. The hurt will ease up a bit.

And then there will be days like today. The anniversary of a loss. The due date you were given. The day you remember sharing the big news of new life. Days that bring you right back to where you were. Right back to feeling like the world is ending. Like you can't catch your breath no matter how hard you try.

As I am sitting here, a year after our second miscarriage, I am trying to think of what I would tell one of you. What I have probably said to many of you in this exact place. And I am at a loss. Healing a hurt of never getting to hold your baby, of never seeing their face or hearing them say mommy. Making that pain go away seems impossible.

I know that relief will come. I have seen how God has used my loss. How God has used their short lives. I know that God has me in His hands and will pull me through. But the pain, the pain doesn't go away.

I want to distract myself. To put myself somewhere where I can't think about this anymore. But then I feel an overwhelming guilt, trying to distract myself from the death of a child. My child.

What would I tell one of you?

I'm guessing that I would tell you that the hurt and pain is real and powerful and will consume you. I would tell you that just as God pulled you out in the beginning that He will pull you out again. That in this moment when it feels like the world is crashing and you can't control it, it is okay to cry and scream and be hurt. It is okay.

But we have to pull ourselves out of it. Not right now, not even tomorrow. But we have to move forward. Still loving, still remembering but moving forward. Reminding ourselves that we will see our babies. We will hold them. And they are in the best of hands right now.

I would tell you that it would get better. That it will never be okay but it will be better. Until next year and then it's going to hurt all over again. But that there will be all of us. All of us who have been there. We will be there to cry to. To cry with. We will be there to eat icecream at 8am with you. To just listen. I would tell you that it's going to hurt for now. It's going to hurt a lot and that it is okay to feel this way.

If any of you ever need someone to talk to, please email me. vesselhandmade@gmail.com There is nothing like knowing there is someone there to listen. Please do not try to do it all alone.

Rhiannon is 4

Four years old. Four. It is such a big deal of a number. No longer can I squeeze her into the toddler category. No sneaking her into the classifications that keep her in the "baby" years. She is a pre-schooler. A little kid. Over night my first born went from baby to child. I hate it a little.

She is at such a fun stage. I love where she is at. But I can't help but feel like time is ripping me off. How did this all happen so quickly? How did 4, sneak up on us like this?

I don't know how today got here but it did. As hard as it is on this mommas heart, Rhi is beyond excited. I think this year is the first that she has really gotten into her birthday. She wanted to plan every detail of her party with me. She counted down the days. It has been so much fun.

This morning I took her on a coffee date. Just her and mommy. We talked about her. Let the focus be just her, that doesn't happen often with two other littles around.

So today, to celebrate her, I thought I would share her with you...

Managing our Home

Lately I have been criticized a lot for being so busy. As one person put it "You really glorify busyness." The little comments have been like daggers. They hurt for a lot of reasons. One, I am not all that busy. Two, even if I was, what would I cut out? And more than anything I don't have "busy work", everything in our lives is called by God. Everything we do is part of the path we feel He has placed us upon.

When I look at our lives, I don't see busy. I see blessings, I see provision, I see the love that our Father has poured out upon us.

Majority of our are days taken up by me playing with the kids. We spend hours on the floor laughing and having fun. We make time for playdates and rarely have to tell anyone we are too busy to come over and play.

When I was done being angry and offended I realized that it wasn't people judging me. From the outside I do seem like I am too busy. That I wouldn't have enough time for what is important.
So I want to show you how I manage my time. Maybe it can help some of the other "busy moms" out there.